The kitchen remodel is 99% complete. The only remaining elements is the lights.
I HAVE cooked in the kitchen, outside of popular belief that I would. You see when Jay was alive, HE was the cook. He was good at it to. His mom taught him well. And he was proud of his gift.
The other day I was standing by the kitchen and I was sad. I wish Jay could have seen this kitchen. I wish he could have cooked in this kitchen. He would love what I have done with it. He would be so proud.
I will remember our memories.
We will speak your name.
I will live life.
We will love life.
I will love you.
We will love you.
I will continue to make you proud.
We will continue to make you proud.
There are certain things you learn about people the longer you know them.
One thing I knew about Jay was that he watched things in order. He DVR’d lots of shows and if something didn’t record right he would search the internet until he found the episode watch it on his big computer screen in his office then he could watch other episodes. The other night after Aaron fell asleep I was looking at the DVR recordings and a thought crossed my mind. To catch up on this one show…how about I watch them in REVERSE order. And so I did. LOL! I felt kind of naughty but I laughed. I could hear Jay in my head saying…”This is SO wrong!!!” Now in the mans defense he would never be over one episode behind…maybe two. And in this show I was five. There would have been a whole different conversation at being five episodes behind.
Another thing I knew about Jay was that he loved breakfast but breakfast foods were really only supposed to be consumed during breakfast in the morning. I love breakfast…even just a bowl of cereal…anytime of the day. So the other I had a bowl of cereal…for SUPPER. It was awesome. I did get a look from Aaron but I chose to ignore it. LOL! That was probably Jay coming through saying I was being naughty but I didn’t care…it was delicious.
So I started to laugh after my last blog. Why you ask?
Well, when Jay proposed to me in February of 2004 I hugged him so hard. I didn’t want to let go but I was hugging so hard that he could hardly breath. When I finally let go he asked (as he gasped)…”so was that a Yes?” It just proved my point that I loved being in his arms.
I have the poem he gave me when he proposed in a frame. on the right side it spelled Alyssa Marie Taber. The poem is amazing as was his ability to write a poem that spelled my future name (at the time) down the side.
The night started off like any other date night. We went to Biaggis…went to a movie then went home to our townhouse. I was living with him at that point. He got champagne in two glasses as we got into comfy clothes for the night then he came out with the poem. When I looked up after reading it he had the ring ready for me.
It is such a wonder memory. it was the day I said yes to spending the rest of my life with my best friend…or atleast that was the plan.
I have heard often that the “year of firsts” is the hardest. At the time during year 1 I held on tight to that thinking if I can get through the “first” then the next one won’t be as difficult. Year 2 is proving to be just as hard if not more difficult.
I look at June 5th coming up which was Jay’s birthday and I’m sad. I have anxiety and my heart just hurts. Last year at this time I was still living off adrenaline. So although I made it through the “first” it feels like this one hurts more. So the theory of the “year of firsts” being the hardest is not true.
I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss his presence in the house and the feeling of safety when he was around. I miss his hugs. They were the best. It annoyed him to no end that there were days I wanted to just stay in his arms and not let go. He always said although he would love to stay we both had things we had to do for the day. His strength to move through things in life still amazes me.
I will miss you till my final day my love. Always and forever.
People told me early on that many of my relationships in my life would change after Jay’s death. I thought that was crazy but it is true.
Some people I thought I would never lose contact with…well…we no longer talk. There is no fight or anything that happened, we just don’t talk. It may be that it is too difficult to be around me in my situation as a widow. Or I will admit, maybe it is difficult for me to be around them.
There are other people that we didn’t talk much or at all and we have become great friends. Some of these friendships have been shocking to me and others have just been a matter of time.
I blog about this topic to make people aware that this does happen. Both situations happen and are OK. They happen for different reasons. It has taken me awhile to be OK with this but now I am. I am thankful for those still in our lives because without them I would not be where I am today and that it is what I will continue to focus on.
I have said “Aaron Michael!” alot lately. It is my little boy who has become so brave in just the last 2 weeks that has caused this to happen.
One of the situations that happen the most lately is standing on the fireplace hearth. I wish I could catch the look on his face once he stands up and gives me that “HAHA mom!! Come get me!” look before I find myself running to the fireplace to get him to sit down. It is like Jay shines through every single time. It is the joker in Jay coming through. And his laugh…oh his laugh just brings a smile to my face. He has so much excitement in his laugh, you can’t help but smile.
Then he has figured out how to stand in his high chair. Now that would be a much bigger fall then from the fireplace hearth and it is almost like he knows it because he is SO proud of himself. Again I wish I could get a picture of his face before I have the momma flight instinct to get him down as fast as possible. HA!
Then he has the moment as he is falling asleep at night and he looks so peaceful. I run my fingers through his hair and I say “Oh Aaron Michael…I Love you”.
I just realized I have been blogging for over 4 months. Huh…that is pretty amazing. Why you ask? Because it is probably no surprise to some that before this tragic event in our life I had a light case of ADHD and it got slightly worse the day Jay died. I have recovered SQUIRREL! ..wait what was I talking about? 😉 I kind of joke but I kind of don’t. My mind has been on quite the journey and to say it has been tested is yet another understatement. Day by day I begin to feel more like myself.
Through blogging I have learned so much. I can still laugh at myself. I can even type out the inner thoughts in my head and find others that feel the same way or have felt the same way. Blogging is the one thing that in this life I don’t feel has to be perfect. It is such a distraction from life and it has helped me so much. A few friends have laughed at me when I tell them I feel like I am literally barfing on the screen and hoping someone reads it and doesn’t want to barf back.
I have also had people tell me that not everyone could put things out for everyone to read like I have. I am glad I do..that I have continued and that you my blog followers have continued to read. I appreciate your support and just know that I appreciate you.
Today Aaron is 19 months old. To say he has changed in the last year and 2 weeks is an understatement.
A year and 2 weeks ago we lost Jay.
In the last year and 2 weeks he has learned to walk and talk. These are huge milestones in his life and I have been so blessed to be able to watch him and cheer him on. As I type that I have an interesting thought that crosses my mind. I have learned to walk and talk as well. Not for the first time so not the milestone Aaron took but it doesn’t mean it has been easy or less important. I walk and talk in a new normal…a new life.
A new life after 34 years of life is a hard pill to swallow. To accept that someone is gone after knowing them for over 10 years of your life and after being married to them for almost 8 years is a hard pill to swallow. To know that they gave you the most amazing and priceless gift before they left this world and knowing they didn’t want to leave is even more difficult.
What I can tell you is a year and 2 weeks later it isn’t ever “easier” but it is more manageable. I look at our wedding pictures…one of the happiest days of my life and I am not as sad looking at it. It has taken alot to get me there and to be completely honest it takes alot out of me to stay here but I can look at it and remember the day for the happiness. I can look at a picture of him and smile. Not just with my mouth but in my heart. It has taken alot to get here and in all honesty it is sometimes hard to stay here but I can get here an I think that is important to share and be proud of.
It’s been awhile since I blogged. But I’m back. 🙂
Recently Aaron and I went on a walk around the sports complex near our house. We came upon an older retired man walking his dog Daisy Mae. We ended up walking the rest of the walk with him. I felt great when we got home and it wasn’t just because of the good exercise (although that is definitely part of it) it was nice to walk with another adult. I have gone on walks with many of my girlfriends but this was different. A stranger yes…but it was so nice to walk with him. It wasn’t until we were almost going to part ways that the topic came up and I told him that Aaron’s daddy had died a little over a year ago. He praised me for getting out and being a single mom. That felt good to hear. What I have yet to tell anyone is what our final conversation was about that actually made my heart smile. He talked about how he and his wife were trying to sell their house in Grimes to then move to Phoenix, Arizona to retire in warmer weather. What you may not know is that is where Jay wanted to retire. Pre-tire is actually what Jay was striving for. Maybe ultimately Jay wanted to pre-tire (retire around 45-50) because deep down he knew he wasn’t going to be here long…I guess we will never know but it was his wish to live in Phoenix and then travel everywhere. Some may think this would make me sad but it had the opposite effect. I actually felt happy for him. He was doing something Jay wanted to and that was good. I was happy for him.
Then the other day I was checking out at Target. It is strange where triggers come from and you really do not expect to have a trigger in the Target check out lane but it was the man’s name who was checking me out that got my attention. It was the name of Jay and my neighbor when we lived in the townhouse. At that moment I went back to us living in the townhouse. Now this wasn’t our old neighbor…a few years ago Jay and I went looking around on the internet for a few of our old neighbors and we had found out he had died from cancer a year before. You may ask why we were stalking our old neighbors so here is the story. When Jay and I would go out to eat or go out shopping in the Jordan Creek area, every once and awhile we would drive by the old townhouse. See if we could see if the old neighbors were still there. Funny enough we found that the people that were now living in our old townhouse kept our front door side windows coverings. We always laughed about that but it was when we say that our neighbors vehicle wasn’t there that we decided to look into it. He was a nice man…Jay always had great conversations with him.
Triggers bring memories and memories are not always bad…infact in this instance they made me happy…made me smile.
This week there was a bad storm that went through the area. Thank goodness there was no serious damage but what you need to know is I hate bad weather. When I say hate…I mean H.A.T.E. HATE bad weather. Jay always thought it was so silly and he told me many times that he hoped I didn’t spread that fear to Aaron. Jay would always just send me to the basement so I could be a nervous mervous (his nickname for me during these times) and he didn’t have to watch me. HA! This storm starts up west of the metro and I have the tv on. I had earlier in the day got this feeling that I needed to get Jay’s Toyota Rav back in the garage. I had managed to get the Rav into the garage and then seeing the storm coming more our way had this feeling I needed to gather a few of the more valuable items around house and get them to the basement. I did this and then all the sudden my phone buzzes with a tornado warning for Dallas County. We are right on the Dallas County/Polk County line so my phone probably thought I was in Dallas county hence the warning but never the less that got me moving a little faster to get things picked up and watch the tv and sky a little closer. When it became clear that the red stuff on the radar was going right over Grimes we took cover. As weird as it sounds it is like Jay was right there with us. I heard him in my head saying… “Alyssa you are in the basement…you are going to be OK”…”Turn the TV up so you can hear what is happening”….”Put pillows in the bathroom incase you and Aaron need to go there”…”While you are at it but a blanket in there as well”…now those are just things people do as they prepare to be in safety but if I could explain it any better I would…but it felt like he was literally talking to me telling me these things and I was calmed. Strangely more calm now then I was when he was physically here. As I sat watching the TV with Aaron we were sitting on the couch and I started to get nervous. I could hear the strong winds and I could see on the radar we were getting slammed. I could hear the deck furniture moving and could hear the rain/hail hitting the house. I say outloud…”Jay…keep us safe…” as I nervously rocked Aaron…Aaron throws his head back looks at me and makes this silly sound with his lips, looks at me and smiles. I swear he looked over my shoulder after that and giggled/smiled, like he was looking at someone knowing he did a good job because for that moment I didn’t remember why we were in the basement…all I knew is my baby boy was so silly and he had made me laugh.
A few random things to report I know…but that’s what you get when I got a few too many days not blogging. Moral of the story is this…I believe now more than ever that Jay is watching over me…over us and when I free my mind of fear…of confusion and of sadness the most amazing things happen. One of my goals for my second year of widowhood is to let go of the fear and live life. Life is too serious to be taken so seriously.
Have a great day everyone!