WOW…WAW!

posted 6/30/2013

For those wondering…I meant for it to read “wow…waw” in the subject.  It means…WOW…WHAT A WEEKEND! 🙂

I had the best weekend.  For those that know how it started after noon on Friday you may be wondering how I can say THAT was fun but it got better so that was good.  For those who don’t have any idea what I am talking about I got food poisoning from lunch on Friday . I spent the afternoon at home between two places in my bathroom.  NOT fun…but luckily the symptoms subsided for a short time for me to go grab Aaron from daycare and for 2 of my friends to come over and help me out for a few hours to recover and make sure Aaron was OK while I did what I had to do to get better.  The people in my life are amazing.

Aaron and I woke up Saturday morning…I felt SO much better and Aaron was so happy.  He slept in which put us a little behind on our days activity but he SLEPT IN.  Don’t fix something that’s not broken. 😉  We drove up to see my grandma. We got to see 3 of my aunts, 2 of my uncles, my grandma, a family friend and my parents.  It was so nice.  They got some good Aaron time.  Aaron had a blast and I got a short nap in.  When momma gets sleep…everyone is happy. 🙂 It is always great to see family.  Aaron loves to show off and it always makes this momma proud.  On our way back home we stopped in Ames to see our friends who had a baby earlier this month.  I’ve met the bundle of joy but Aaron hadn’t met him yet.  It was so cute to see Aaron warm up to our friends…then their cat they have.   He then got jealous because his mommy was holding the baby…and then before you knew it he was enjoying time with our friends walking around the house…petting the kitty and the baby saying “niiiiiice.”  It makes a mommy proud to know your child can be around young ones and everything going OK.  We got home and by that time Aaron was exhausted.  We ate a late supper and then went to bed.

We woke up on Sunday morning and mid morning we headed out to meet up with 2 of my college friends I haven’t seen in awhile.  You know you have good friends when you can go 12 years from seeing each other and it doesn’t feel like you skip a beat catching up and chatting.  Aaron and I got home and he got some pool time.  This boy LOVES his little pool.  With our deck now I can just put it on the deck, fill it up with water and Aaron is in heaven.  We then got some bubble time in with the bubble machine I bought the other day.  Aaron loves to be outside and if I am being completely honest, I like it too.  Vitamin D is good for you.  Natural vitamin D. 🙂  We picked up a friend and supper and hung out at the house with some supper, more pool time and of course more bubble time.

I end the evening a little sad….not from our weekend but because I am trading Jay’s vehicle in tomorrow morning.  It is hard to drive it.  Not that it is a bad vehicle because it is a great vehicle but it has memories.  That makes it easy and hard to part with.  We drove Aaron home from the hospital in that vehicle.  Jay had finally caved and got a SUV.  He was SO strong willed (about everything) specifically about not getting a mini-van or an SUV.  The people who bought them drove crazy and felt like the owned the road.  Truth be told…I think Jay liked “owning the road”. 🙂

I miss him every day.  Making the decision to trade his car was hard and easy.  Part of me knows he wants me to do it.  The other part of me is going to miss it sitting in the garage.  It is hard to separate doing “the right thing” vs “holding onto things that hold memories”.  I do have the best thing in the world that not only holds the proudest moment/memory of Jay with me everyday but it doesn’t make doing these other things any easier.

There was more good then bad or sad this weekend and that makes me say WOW..WAW! 🙂

griefshare email

posted 6/25/2013

I was told recently to sign up for griefshare emails.  It is website that will send you emails for 365 days to help you through grief.  Below is Day 13.  the first 3 sentences are so powerful and could not be more true if they were from God himself.

Spiritual Breakthrough
Day 13

Your weaknesses and inadequacies make themselves known to you again and again. You can’t always count on other people, and you can’t count on yourself. No human being can meet all your needs, especially your deepest needs.

“We are living in a broken world,” states Barbara Johnson. “We see broken marriages, broken people, broken lives. There’s never going to come a time when we’ve got it all together.”

She continues, “As you go through grief, as you center your focus on what is ahead of you as a Christian, that helps you to know that what you’re going through isn’t going to last. You have to take a day at a time. Tomorrow may be different. Yesterday is a canceled check, tomorrow is a promissory note, but today is cash. You’ve got today to serve the Lord.”

You are at a point where you need to decide whom you will lean on, trust, and put your hope in. Now is the time to search God’s Word and hold on to this lifeline. God will meet you where you are, at your point of pain. Seek Him, talk to Him, and learn about Him. He is the only way out of despair.

Listen to God’s promise to you and claim it: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart’” (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

Lord God, I realize that I need to search the Bible and seek Your way with all the strength I’ve got left. Amen.

Talking vs. writing

posted 6/25/2013

I cannot count how many times I have told our story about May 9th, 2012.  I told friends…family and even complete strangers.

When asked to write it down and describe all the feelings…smells and emotions and everything I can remember from that day I was able to do it but there was something different about writing it.  I’ve been asked many times what I remember from the day and usually when I start to talk about it people give me a look of shock and usually tear up because of how much detail I can remember.  Depending on who it is I am talking to I can usually get through it and not have the same reaction.  Writing it down was different.  Because the person I wrote it down for then had me talk from the sheet of paper I wrote down.  I cried.  Fergie was wrong.  Big girls do cry.  (another song I have heard today)

When I can remember exactly where I parked in the ER parking lot…the exact route I took…the sound of my mom’s voice when I called to tell her…the looks on the nurses faces in the ER….exactly where I fell in the ER hallway and sat until the nurse and doctor came to get me.  I remember it all and to see it written down, it took on a life of its own.

I was able to express my frustration as some people had an option to not see him the way I did in the ER…in the casket to go further.  I had a choice yes…but the only choice in my head was to see him…to be able to believe it.  Others could choose differently.  Writing it brought this to the forefront.  A feeling I have not acknowledged and after recognizing it, I felt better.  Who know writing could be so therapeutic.

Just give me a reason

posted 6/25/2013

On the way to daycare this morning I heard one of the new Pink songs  “just give me a reason”.

I heard it twice as I went through the satellite radio stations on the way to daycare.  So it got me thinking.  If I could say one last thing to Jay it would be “Just give me a reason why you are leaving us…”  It would be a trick question/statement since no reason is good enough.  How fair is that to him huh?  If I could have one more conversation with him at this moment it would be to argue with him.  Dang I miss him alot.

Lyrics are really getting to me lately.  It is so funny since that was Jay’s thing…he always knew the lyrics to songs…me…I always THOUGHT I knew what they were and he would laugh at me and say…”That’s not what they are saying silly!”

So as I sit and blog the song “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt plays.  The lyrics are below and reading them it just hits home.  And in addition to the lyrics let’s be honest.   If Jay were in front of me right now…I would probably ask him to give me a reason then tell him to not speak…hold him close…kiss him over and over again and tell him how much I love him.

“Don’t Speak”  by No Doubt

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I’m losing my best friend
I can’t believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you’re letting go
And if it’s real
Well I don’t want to know

Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts

It’s all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are…
You and me I can see us dying…are we?

Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts

Forgetting Jay Taber

posted 6/23/2013

The title of today’s blog is brought to you by the movie I’m watching right now called “forgetting Sarah Marshall”.  I’m not relating to the movie but in thinking of a clever blog title, it sounded catchy.

I have tried to write 2 or 3 blogs the last few days and for some reason I have been unable to finish them.  They just didn’t feel right so I am hoping I can get this one posted.

This morning Aaron woke up super early.  I got him back to sleep only to be woken up by some serious wind that didn’t sound good about and hour and a half later.  I knew a storm was coming our way and knew it wasn’t going to be tornadic or anything but the way the wind hits our house it can sound pretty bad.  I flew out of bed, grabbed Aaron and told him we had to go downstairs.  I get downstairs as the wind is calming down, turn on the tv to confirm it is just the storm coming through.  The look on Aaron’s face must have meant he was deep in sleep when I grabbed him out of bed.  If Jay were here he would have been able to calm me down faster…remind me everything was OK.  I miss his calm.

Later today Aaron was insistent of going “OUTSIDE!”.  It was raining but I indulged him and took him outside going in and out of Home Depot and Target.  Not exactly what he wanted but it worked since on our way home he zonked out from exhaustion.  As we were walking from the checkout at Target to the vehicle it was starting to rain a little bit harder.  In that moment I imagined Jay and Aaron having gone out to the vehicle as I checked out and me being able to wait inside Target as Jay drove the vehicle to the door…opening the back and jumping out to help me put all of the bags in the back. As I hurried to the car…quickly get the cart close to the car so it didn’t roll away and getting Aaron in the vehicle and strapped in his carseat as well as getting all of the bags in the back I was reminded that isn’t my reality.  

So back to my blog title…you hope you can forget…that it hurts less that someone isn’t here with us…but you can’t…you can never nor will I ever forget Jay Taber.

My biggest fear

posted 6/17/2013

posted 6/18/2013

Prior to Jay’s death I would tell you my biggest fear was dying.  Now my biggest fear is not death itself but that in my death people won’t know how to get into my accounts…know the accounts I have and be able to take care of things when I’m gone.

As much as men don’t think we as women listen, I did listen to Jay.  When he stressed something  more than once I knew I needed to commit it to memory.  He was organized when it came to our home expenses and many of the things I/we would need in case one of us was no longer here.  His method to the madness is something he taught me but if I’m gone then who is left to know what that is and where everything is?  It is a scary thought especially having gone through losing Jay I have a new found respect for organization and having everything documented.

Recently I have started a few binders that hold all the information a person would need if I was no longer here.  Everything from when the car insurance is due, when and where appliances were bought and even all of our doctors names in case someone had to know who they were.  Getting this all documented is helping me feel better but there is constantly this feeling that I am missing something.  Heck, I am still getting things in the mail that I didn’t know about with Jay.  I’m pretty sure that is where the continued anxiety comes from in my documenting things.

If you were to die today…does your next of kin have access to what they would need?  An even better question is do they know your final wishes?

I wasn’t given an opportunity to say good-bye and for him to tell me any wishes the day he died however in our time together he made certain things very clear.  Not only to me but to his parents.  Jay wanted to be an organ donor and be cremated.  He also talked about the fact that he didn’t want to be kept alive artificially and be kept alive just because.  I didn’t get the chance to keep him alive but I can be sure as was to donate and cremate I would have made the decision in the same manner.  It would have been difficult…that I have no doubt but it was his wish and he made it known.  My feelings on these subjects have changed drastically from May 8th, 2012 to May 9th, 2012.  Jay was wise beyond his years and always sought to help people and that is truly honorable and a legacy I plan to continue in anyway I can.

So I am trying my hardest to conquer my fear and have things documented and make things known to those in our lives and be able to live a life of helping others and living without fear.  Can you say the same?

reflection – Father’s Day

posted 6/16/2013

So yesterday was Father’s Day.  Mentally this day took a toll on me.  Physically I did not cry.

We surprised my dad and went up to my parents for the weekend.  It is nice to go up there so they can love and take care of Aaron and I can sleep.  Not the sleep I get every night…this is better sleep.  It is fab. u. lous.  It is the “I don’t have to worry at all about Aaron sleep…someone else is taking care of him” sleep.  I love spending time with my family…don’t get me wrong…but I love my sleep…and I love them for allowing me to get caught up on said sleep. 🙂

My brother and sister in law live close so we got to see them as well.  And they got to hang with little man.  It is so fun to see them hang with Aaron.  You can tell even just watching for a day that Aaron looks up to and respects my dad and brother.  He watches everything they do.  Heck…my dad has been instrumental in many of Aaron’s milestones.  He loves his papa.  I’m waiting to spring “potty training” on dad…somehow I think he will try to dodge that milestone.

Saturday night I was restless.  My mind would not shut off.  I haven’t had that in awhile so it took me awhile to adjust and finally get to sleep.  I should say I haven’t had that at night in awhile.  During the day it is more frequent.  I woke up physically rested but mentally drained which is why I think yesterday mentally took a toll on me.  I was exhausted before the day started.  I wish I could explain to others this feeling of mental exhaustion.  At work I  thrive on analyzing information and getting the exhaustion of the work.  It gave me energy.  This is different.

I can only explain this by saying I miss Jay so much that it exhausts me.  On Father’s day it brings the memory of how I knew when I met him how good of a dad he would be and how much I wish he was here on earth with us.

You want me to what??

posted 6/16/2013

The other day I was asked if I would be able to journal all of my thoughts, feelings, smells etc from the day Jay died.  As crazy as this sounds I am going to do it.  You may think this is going to be difficult.  Emotionally…yes…but to document the day…the details…to remember…piece of cake.

You see…atleast once a day I close my eyes and I am back in the ER.  I can see myself walking through the door…asking the receptionist what room my husband Jay Taber was in…walking to the room…Room #9…seeing it was a trauma room and knowing at that moment my gut was right…this was really bad.  I remember opening the door.  I can see Jay laying on the cot/bed.  I remember seeing the nurses looks toward me when I asked “Is he OK?”…knowing the answer as I saw the monitors all with flat lines. I remember hearing them say “We will get someone to come and talk to you.”  I walked out of the room and fell to my knees.

Do I want to remember the details as well as I do?  No.  Can I just forget them?  No.  Do I want to know what to do with this memory?…these feelings?…these thoughts and emotions?…Yes.  So hopefully writing it all down will help.  I’m willing to try anything.

My Response

posted 6/11/2013

I’ve had a few encounters with friends that I thought I would share.

The first is an email I received the other day.  It came from a good friend of Jay’s thanking me for blogging.  It was an unexpected email and if I am honest it took me off guard but it was one of the most sincere emails I have ever received and brought tears to my eyes.  I will not mention names in this blog because I like to keep people anonymous as much as possible.  What this person and,many  of Jay’s friends don’t know is that when you send me emails…texts…or talk to me and I respond back and mention anything in regard to how he felt about you…that isn’t me saying it.  Some may think that is me just being polite.  Although I am very polite 🙂 my response is from the heart…not mine…Jay’s.  The friends that knew Jay well…and there are a good handful of you out there…you know his heart was genuine and know that had he had a chance to tell you all one more time how much you meant to him he would have.  Since he didn’t get that chance, I honestly feel that he is working through me to do it instead.

The other is running into a friend I haven’t talked to since Jay’s visitation.  She is a new mom recently and I think it hits home to her when she sees me.  Know to those friends who know this feeling…I get it…and I don’t judge.  I miss Jay and I miss you.  One of her comments to me is one I want to discuss.  She said…”I don’t know how you do it…being a mom and then losing Jay.  It’s hard when you have a husband here.”  I love this honesty.  I have had many people say this to me and even more that give me a look that says this.  My response?  “Me either…but I do…it’s not easy…infact down right impossible some days but I do…because I have to.”

Kind of a random blog for the day…Happy Tuesday!

the next holiday

posted 6/11/2013

The next holiday on the calendar is Father’s Day.  Jay died a little over a month before his first official Father’s day.  He died 4 days before my first official Mother’s day.

Jay and I longed to be parents for such a long time.  We gave each other mother’s day and father’s day cards for almost every year we were married because we knew someday we would be parents.  I can hear Jay telling me not to get him a gift for father’s day because the best gift was already given.  That is what he would have told me last year and would probably tell me for the rest of our lives.  Luckily for him I didn’t listen to him when he was like that…and if he were here this is what his gift would be.  I would go and buy him a few iTunes gift cards…a Barnes & Noble gift card…I would make him a pan of Rice Krispie treats and his favorite pineapple crunch salad.  Last year daycare asked before they did this but they made a card for Jay like the other kids did for their dads.  I hope Aaron comes home with something again this year.  Jay isn’t here to say “thank you Mr. Man!!!” but he still deserves everything a father here on earth gets.

I have talked to a few widows that joke about Father’s day and even a few widowers that joke about Mother’s day and say since the other isn’t here they now take both holidays.  We joke because that is a way to cope with the sadness these holidays bring.  My plan is to always do something for Jay on Father’s day.  These first few years it may just to make it through but going forward Aaron and I will celebrate in memory of Jay.