These past two days I have been trying really hard to figure out how to describe to people how I have been feeling and the only way I have come up with is to say my heart aches. It isn’t sadness or anger it is just an ache.
I feel lost. My heart aches for him to be here. Even for a second to give me a hug and kiss me on my forehead. It is really hard to one minute have someone that will hug you just because you want a hug to not have it anymore.
I miss his presence. I miss jumping on the back of his chair to give him a back rub. He would always say “Lyss…you don’t have too”. It’s when he would say that when I would know that he was really starting to get a migraine and he needed it. When I was pregnant he would tell me I really didn’t have to. I would still get up on the chair and laugh and say that with my belly into his back maybe the baby could help me out. After we had Aaron it was “It’s OK…take care of Aaron.” I would lay Aaron down, signal him to get up from the chair, hop on the back and signal him to sit back down. I know he appreciated my back massages. At one point he told me I should consider going to school for it. I miss that appreciation, being able to be there for someone like that. I miss it like crazy.
I miss holding his hand. When we held hands it was a comfort. He would hold my hand so tightly that I felt so safe. I miss that feeling so much. To be safe, to know someone is right there to help me, to keep me safe. He always did that, from the first time I met him. He had this bad ass type attitude at first glance but then to look a little closer you could see this teddy bear…this genuinely good guy with a great personality and a loving heart. I miss that look.
Today has been a strange day because I have felt him here. It is comforting and heart breaking all at the same time. To make things even harder, I was changing Aaron’s diaper tonight and we were using the time to practice our words. We say “Aaron” and “mommy” and then he out of the blue says “Daddy!!!” I look at him and I could swear he was looking over my shoulder. Then he looks straight up at the ceiling and says it again. My heart ached. Then I say to him…”Daddy is in heaven isn’t he?” And in true Aaron form he calms down and says “yeah” and let’s me finish his diaper change.
My heart aches.