I am going to dive in and try to get all the random thoughts I have had in one blog. As Aaron would say…Ready…Set…GO!
A week ago we hit the one year anniversary of me starting this blog. It was scary knowing that I was going to be divulging a lot of personal feeling to the world. I didn’t have to but I was going to and a year later I can tell you I am so thankful that I have. I have grieved and essentially healed in a way I never thought possible through this blog. Thank you all for your support in the journey.
Topic jump…the word “deserve.” It bugs me. I don’t truthfully feel that people “deserve” anything. I feel that events happen in life and when they are promotions, etc (what is usually a happy event) they are earned but never deserved. I defend that by asking “Did I deserve to lose my husband or better yet did Aaron deserve to lose his father at such a young age?” Many will say “Well of course not Alyssa.” And I agree…life happens and a year later I am confident as I say that knowing that a year ago I may have said that I did something to deserve becoming a widow at such a young age. I no longer feel that way. People will say “But Alyssa you deserve to be happy.” That bugs me too…I don’t deserve to be happy…but I am determined to be and in the last year I have pushed myself to earn the ability to feel happy again. In so many ways I feel I have and it feels good.
Topic jump…being right vs. being logical. The other day I was talking to a friend and in the conversation I came to the conclusion that when something feels and is right to you it doesn’t mean that it is logical to others or yourself and that is OK. And just because something is logical doesn’t mean it is right for you or anyone else. To try to achieve perfection is exhausting and more and more in this journey I have decided it is not worth the stress to try and achieve it. Instead I now work towards being happy. In this effort things start to feel perfect. They are logical and right to me and that is all that matters. There is so much negative around us in this society. Within myself I have chosen to be positive. That doesn’t mean I will always have happy wonderful days…somedays I can be positive the day is going to suck…but nonetheless I am positive. 🙂 Instead of getting stuck in the sad and negative realm I chose to put action to what is negative and change the outlook. It isn’t always easy but it is a lot easier to stomach and be part of.
Topic jump…happy. More and more I can say I am happy. I want to give a specific shout out to my personal trainer Jennifer Kees. The other day I was writing an email to a friend and I typed something about Jen and one statement stood out. “She saved me.” Yes she has helped me get back into shape but she has done more than that. I walked in one day for my personal training and said “Jen…I need to dance it out today.” We hadn’t Zumba danced during a personal training session up to this point but it was just one of those days. After 30 minutes of dancing I started to break down. We sat for the next 30 minutes and talked. I cried and at that point Kees Camp became a very safe place for me. Not many people actually get to see me cry or console me. At Jay’s visitation I broke down in front of 2 people that stopped, that’s it. She is amazing and in that moment she saved me and I will be forever grateful
Topic jump…Thank you. Thank you to all of you. It never ceases to amaze me when I find out people actually read what I write. Just the other night I had a jewelry party and as the consultant talked about the hostess benefits I would receive she said…”It is all about Alyssa.’ I laughed and said…”Isn’t it always…I mean really?” All of my friends at the house laughed and then one of my friends said..”It is the year of Alyssa.” I had not really seen this friend since before the new year and that was a post and blog after New Years Eve. I couldn’t help but smile. I post a lot of updates on Facebook and I blog about a lot of personal feelings. Early on a friend of mine said to me that she loved that I sent emails and posted stuff on Facebook because then people didn’t have to ask me, they just knew. So thank you friends for reading, trying to understand and helping me understand. Here is to another year of blogging and getting my book written and published for others to read.
Have a great week! 🙂
Yesterday Aaron and I visited Jay’s uncle who had surgery and was at one of the hospitals downtown. This was Jay’s favorite uncle and I felt this strong need for Aaron and I to visit him so I talked to Jay’s parents and we met at the hospital yesterday morning.
I have been in a hospital since Jay’s death…the ER even but it was the other hospital system in the metro. Although not easy it was doable and I believe I was more upset about the fact that I had to get Aaron in there because of one of his bad allergic reactions rather than the fact that I was in an ER. I’ve driven past the hospital ER that Jay was taken too. Early on I even parked in the parking lot partly as a gut check on whether I could stomach being that close to where my life changed hoping that maybe he would walk out of the ER doors and it was all just a bad dream. But since that day I have not actually been in either locations for the hospital system where Jay was taken…that is until yesterday.
When Jay’s mom told me what hospital Jay’s uncle was in my stomach turned but the strong feeling of needing to see him won as I just have this feeling that Jay was telling us to visit him. As Aaron and I drove to the hospital my stomach turned more. As we pulled up to the hospital and into the parking lot I felt myself on the verge of tears. It was cold and windy yesterday and so Aaron and I ran to the entrance. The cold probably didn’t help but as we were rushing to get into the hospital I felt my stomach turn more and the breath almost being sucked out of me.
We got into the hospital entrance and my heart started to race. I’m sure in part from running from the cold but as we were there getting jackets off and stuff my heart continued to race. We got in the elevator and pushed the number 5 to go to the 5th floor. When we got to the floor I saw I had two missed calls from Jay’s parents. I called them back and his dad came out to the elevators to get us. I can still smell that hospital smell as I sit and type now. His uncle looked pretty good and I am glad that Aaron and I could visit with him, Jay’s aunt and Jay’s parents but even as I sit here over 24 hours later the tears are there waiting to fall and my stomach still isn’t right.
I guess this serves as a reminder as I struggle with a hospital name, not even the same location certain things may be difficult for others. I was exhausted yesterday after being at the hospital and spent the rest of the day trying to relax and feel better but honestly I didn’t sleep well last night and tonight isn’t looking promising either. Oh mercy I made it but it will be awhile before I try that again.
I have gone 14 days without blogging. Wow, my apologies. One of my new years resolutions was to make a pattern for my blogging. That said, every 14 days was NOT the plan. Instead of spending the rest of this blog apologizing I will tell you what I have been up too.
Aaron and I traveled to see a good college friend of mine and her family. The weather the day before was questionable so I was really happy when things cleared up so we were able to go. I had not seen this friend in way too long. She was my neighbor in the dorms at UNI my freshman year. We have stories. We will always be friends for two reasons…she is awesome…and she has WAY too much stuff on me. 😉 Aaron does not get a lot of male interaction which is probably why he loves being around my dad and my brother when they visit. My friend’s husband melted my heart as his son was sitting on his lap and he asked Aaron if he wanted to join them. Aaron in his sweet little voice said yes so there they sat. The whole day was wonderful but that moment is kinda stuck in my memory as a moment I was reminded yet again that I have amazing people in my life.
Aaron got the flu. Not a couple weeks but the Sunday before I started on my first ever solo flight trip. To say my stomach was is knots is a HUGE understatement. I honestly thought it was a sign that I was not supposed to go on this trip. The flu went away, transfer to the grandparents successful and I thought at that point I was home free. Get packed and I would be on my way. The day I fly out an unexpected (the meteorologists TOTALLY missed it until the day of) snow storm hits the metro. Again I think, maybe this is just someone watching over me trying to tell me I shouldn’t go on my trip. My ride pulls up to the house and she says to me…”We ARE getting you to the airport.” I laugh now because what should have taken 20-30 minutes took an hour and 45 minutes but we got there. My flight was delayed initially 45 minutes so I wasn’t worried about missing my flight per say. We ended up taking off over 2 hours from the original time. Although I had not flown in a VERY long time, in the time I had flown I have dealt with crazy turbulence, deicing the plane and even one time I think we had to drop significantly while in the air to get out of another planes way so that part was not nerve racking, being on my own was nerve racking. Once I was at the airport at my gate all was good with the world. Any doubts I had about whether I should be going were gone, it was time…for some ME time.
We landed in Florida and you couldn’t get me out of the airplane fast enough. I didn’t check any bags so we could leave the minute I found my friend that was there to pick me up. I have known my friend here in Florida for around 8 years. She is like a sister to me. We didn’t get back to her place until 1AM and we had agreed on the drive that we would probably just crash. Then we sat down on her couch and 2 hours later we truly decided it was time to go to bed. Catching up with friends I haven’t seen in a long time feels really good. That next day we went back to the airport but it wasn’t the same airport and it wasn’t for me, we met her son that she hasn’t seen in a year and a half because he is in China getting a masters or something amazing like that. At any rate the last time I saw him was when he stayed with Jay and I for a couple weeks the summer the family moved to Florida. It was great to see him and to see his parents so happy to see him home. What they don’t know is that around the time Jay died we had sent this son a congratulations on graduating college card and I kept the thank you note the son sent me. You know you have good people in your life when a thank you note can comfort you like it did. The rest of the day was shopping and getting FRESH seafood for dinner. I love shopping…but I LOVE fresh seafood. Then yesterday we went out on the boat. At one point we stopped at a food/beverage boat. The ladies got out of the boat and it was so funny because my friend took the beverages and I waited for the food…bare feet in the water rubbing my toes through the sand. My friends thought I was crazy. It was awesome.
Today I will go back to my life. I wanted to say “reality” but that has such a sad undertone to it and I am not sad. I have had an AMAZING weekend. I met a couple new people and reconnected with a few that I have missed dearly. I am truly blessed and life is SO good. Is my reality what I expected it to be almost 2 years ago? No…but that will not stop me from living because living is so much fun if you let it.
Thank you mom and dad for taking care of my little man. Thank you Florida friends for an amazing time. Thank you life for allowing me the opportunity.
I have a unique opportunity to have quiet time at 7:30 on a Saturday night. I also had a child that went 12 hours with not even a minute nap. He was tired and he should have been, we had a busy day. Between cleaning out the refrigerator and freezer then me having a personal training session and then going to target to get groceries getting them unloaded and the house picked up all of which he did his very best to do his part and help without a minute of nap, the boy was done at 6:00 tonight. It has allowed me to do something I have wanted to do for about 2 weeks now and that is talk about the song “Say something” by A Great Big World. Like many other songs, this one would pop up on the radio at the most interesting times. I would be drawn to the song and the lyrics that by the time I got home to find it on iTunes I would forget the name of the song. That’s kind of funny considering the lyrics say it MANY times. It literally starts and ends with the song title.
So tonight I sit here and I have listened to it many times. A few days ago I was able to remember it and get it downloaded through iTunes so I have listened to it many times in the past few days. Tonight I was able to look up and find an interview with A Great Big World to see what the meaning of the song was to them. An after thought it really doesn’t matter what it meant to them, it matters what it says to me and I want to share.
The first sentence is “Say something I’m giving up on you.” It’s pretty powerful actually. To me it hit me hard because I feel like my life…my world…was saying that to me. It was telling me to wake up…say something…I’m going to give up on you if you don’t start living me….living within me. I was existing. Existing, although difficult at times was much easier and cleaner than living. But in the last 3-4 months I have started to live and love life. Living life is messy…crazy…and has it moments of complete madness. But you know what? It is a hell of a lot more fun then just existing. Existing allows you to become co-dependent. Being co-dependent on “what people thought” or by “grief” was exhausting. Although I don’t believe I was completely co-dependent I was definitely closer then I would ever want to be. To be dependent on what others think of you and what you are doing is debilitating. I’ve had a few people in my life talk to me about certain situations that have caused them to wonder “what people thought” about what they were doing. I’m not saying it is easy to do but I asked “Why do you care?” “Does it matter?” “Will it change what you really want to do and what you will do?” I get the “well no…” and then I say “Then DON’T worry about them. Do what you want. Don’t let others live your life or tell you how to live your life.”
I let grief live for me. That stopped at the end of 2013. I started putting a stop to it late in 2013 but 2014 is about me. I am going to live and love the messiness, craziness and madness that living life gives you. I’m officially 4 days into the new year and this mentality has suited me quite well. I am happier then I have been in many months. So my life told me say something…well I have and now it is its turn to sit down…shut up and listen because I have ALOT to say.
Happy New Year everyone!
I made it through the New Year…in one piece as an added bonus! 🙂
The plan for the past few days was to be positive and to find out what I really wanted out of 2014. I was struggling a bit but then at some point last night while out with two beautiful friends it hit me. 2014 will be the year of me. Confused? Concerned? Let me explain.
2012 was about Jay. Not for a good reason but it was about him. I honestly feel for the first 7 months after his death I ran solely on adrenaline. That said it is no surprise that I had such trouble on NYE last year.
2013 was about recovery. I did ALOT of work in this department in 2013. Highs and lows together made it one heck of a journey but I am proud of the things I accomplished. I started this blog. I started the journey of writing a book. I opened up my heart and my mind to SO many things that as I sit here and think about it kind of takes me aback and makes me a little overwhelmed. But then I smile because I did it. I don’t regret any of it.
So 2014 will be about me. It isn’t that I am going to not have people in my life or do things for Aaron, infact it is just the opposite. I am going to need people in my life more than I did last year. I am who I am because of the people in my life and this will not change. Aaron is priority number 1, he always will be. You may think then how can this be the “year of you” Alyssa? Easy…the year being about me doesn’t mean I don’t have my responsibilities right? It just means I am going to push myself to follow my dreams. I am going to push myself to do things for me. It is going to be a great party…I hope to see you there.
Last night I had a great time with two beautiful amazing friends and it was a good time. We ate sushi…we danced…we counted down the new year and welcomed 2014 in style. It was a great night and I am more sure than ever that 2014 will be a great year…because it is going to be the year of me.