I am starting a blog without a title. For those who know me, this can be good or bad.
It’s been awhile since I have blogged. The holidays, work and planning a wedding have been keeping me super busy. But, there is a blog inside me I need to get out, so here it goes.
Our Christmas holiday was amazing. My whole family made the trip to Colorado to celebrate the holiday and ski. For as long as I can remember, it has always been my dad’s dream to celebrate Christmas and ski in the mountains. When I was able to find a travel agent that found the perfect ski in/ski out resort where my dad wanted to be, we were able to make it happen. Kelby, Aaron and I had a shuttle drive us to the mountain. It was worth EVERY penny. As we got closer to the resort, we drove right into a Colorado snow storm. This made for GREAT skiing conditions the next day, but the drive looked impossible. I am happy to report, we all left Colorado without any broken bones. The icing on the cake was watching Aaron go down the bunny hill with no fear having a blast!
Before Christmas, I had worked out many of the details for the wedding. And truthfully the only thing left to reserve is the DJ for the reception here. This is a great feeling. This is a terrifying feeling. I am going to spend the rest of the blog explaining that last statement.
I remember days after Jay died telling myself I would never love again. I remember hearing people tell me I would love again. Their reason? There were a few. “Alyssa, Jay wants you to love again.” “Alyssa, this is not the end of the story for you.” And the one that hurt the most, “Alyssa, you are young and beautiful. You will love again.” I remember thinking in my head “Yes, I am 33 years old. I am a widow. I am the mother to a 6 month old boy. I don’t feel beautiful right, but thanks. My husband died of a heart attack. Who in their RIGHT mind would want to love me.”
To an extent, I was OK initially with the thought of never loving again. You see, if you never love again, you never hurt/lose again. As a computer geek, a classic “If-then-else” statement went through my mind.
If – you love again
Then – you will hurt/lose again
Else – you never hurt/lose again
Feeling the hurt of losing Jay was something I never wanted to feel again. The looks from people. The “I am so sorry” look is unbearable. The “I do not know what to say” look hurts even more.
But the reality is to never love again is pretty damn lonely. It is exhausting.
So, love it is. I went out looking. Hesitantly, I went looking for someone who could understand me. I went looking for someone I could love and who would love me back, despite everything I brought to the table. And I found him. He loves us so much that he wants to marry me. And I love him more then I ever thought possible.
Here comes the hard thing to explain. As I plan this wedding I find myself saying, “Nope, cannot do it that way. I did it this way before and that end result wasn’t good.” I am literally trying to do everything completely different so I do not have the same result of May 9th, 2012. A church wedding is now a destination wedding. When we went looking at rings, I picked a completely different cut of diamond. As much as I tried to have a reception on a Saturday, no place I wanted to go was available Saturday. “They were available Friday though.” So Friday it is. Thank you universe for helping me out, I guess.
Turns out planning a wedding completely opposite of your first is almost as exhausting as not loving and letting people in your life. And in the midst of being so happy and in love, you are constantly being reminded as to why you are loving again and planning another wedding.
And when I stop for even a second in the wedding planning, I see the big picture. I have found someone to trust with my world again. I have found someone to love again and depend on. I have found love. And the reality is no matter how I plan the wedding, I could lose everything I have found again. And that, is terrifying.