Alone

I cannot believe what TV show just inspired a blog.  You may not believe me at first either, but stay with me and I promise (or atleast hope) it will make sense.

So the TV show…”Bones.” Yep.  An episode of “Bones” inspired a blog.  A TV show that focuses solely on solving murder mysteries of people through particulates, facial reconstruction and you guessed it…bones.

Kelby and I have been binge watching the seasons.  If you knew me you would know I don’t do this, binge watch shows.  The only other show I have every really done this with is “Big Bang Theory.”  And that was only because when the first floor in our house was being renovated, Aaron and I were living on my second floor. I thought my satellite went out so we watched two seasons of it over and over.  Turns out my satellite was fine.  I am slightly embarrassed at what the real issue was…maybe for another blog.   At one point, I had all the outtakes for both seasons memorized.

I digress.

So normally when Kelby and I watch these episodes at the end of our day, I fall asleep during the final episode we watch.  It is like clock work.  It is a joke in our house.  When I say “Let’s just watch ONE more” Kelby laughs, and sure enough I pass out half way through.  But tonight was different.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks at the end why I needed to watch this episode.  And for the record, not only did I NOT fall asleep, but Kelby did.  🙂

Here is a little more background as to why it impacted me so much.

This past week has been jam packed with lots of stuff.  At work I was in training/planning for 3 1/2 days straight.  A dear friend asked me how to help a friend of hers who this past Sunday lost her husband suddenly and unexpectedly. On Wednesday, I had a fitting for my wedding dress.   I am reading online about another dear friend of mine who is working through the angelversary of her late husband.  And then Prince dies.  My own wedding preparations and the fast approaching 4 year anniversary of Jay’s angelversary aside, my mind has been MUSH.

Now that all said, I do not want anyone to think I do not want to help them, because I do.  I am not complaining about work.  I am not going to seclude myself from social media/people’s lives.  I am not going to ignore the fact that an music icon left this world too soon and had an immense impact on people.  The grief, not just of life but of relationships, health and security, have surrounded me in one way or another and I have this compelling need to understand and help anyone who wants to work through it.

OK, that all said, what in the heck did I get from an episode of Bones that has me drinking coffee at 12:45 in the morning NEEDING to blog?

This particular episode was pretty gross actually.  But at the end of the episode, it is Christmas and the mother of the person who was murdered is alone and burying her son.  Dr. Temperance Brennan, who tends to be more socially awkward, is driving with Agent Booth (aka hot FBI agent).  They talk about this mom and how she is going to be alone on Christmas, burying her son.  Agent Booth then asks Dr. Brennan if she wants to go to the funeral so the mom is not alone and she says yes, she doesn’t want the mom to be alone.  He agrees and as the scene unfolds, not only did these two decide to join the mom but all the other characters from the lab are there.  She is not alone.

The scene shows a casket and a person grieving.  This with everything else on my mind has me in tears, quietly of course so the boys do not wake up.  As I watched (VERY WELL acted out by the way) this mother who was initially alone and then was surrounded by people who did not want her to be alone during this difficult time, it hit me.

I have this overwhelming need to help people not just through grief of a loved one, but of all other things we lose and ultimately grieve in this life because I do not want people to be alone.

It sure makes what happened at my wedding dress fitting make a little more sense.  I am standing in my wedding dress and as I start to discuss a change needed with the seamstress, I explain that I am getting remarried and that my first husband passed suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack at the age of 33.  After I opened my mouth, I looked at myself in the mirror…in this beautiful wedding dress and had a “WTF ALYSSA?” moment.  Who talks about their dead husband when trying on their wedding dress?  As I got ready to apologize to the seamstress I looked at her and she was clearly distraught.  I thought to myself “Good job Alyssa…look what you have done.”  She then spoke and explained that she had lost her husband of just 2 years to cancer last November and that day I was there with her would have been her 2 year wedding anniversary.  She explained that she was having a hard time holding it together but as we talked and I explained what had happened (because she asked) and she talked about her husband and her journey, her demeanor changed in a good way.  I think in some way, I may have let her know she wasn’t alone.  I listened to her and as I stood in my beautiful dress, all I wanted to do was listen to her and let her know…she was not alone.

So many of the moments in this past week have brought back memories of 4 years ago.  I remember not only the sadness that came with his passing and the anniversaries, milestones and holidays he has missed but I find myself angry.  Angry at my ignorance I had, thinking I had everything I wanted and needed and that nothing could or would take it away.  I remember that feeling of being alone.  I was never really alone, as people were constantly checking in and keeping me busy.  I am eternally grateful to them but in reality, in my mind I feel so very alone.  I have spent many hours in self reflection trying to understand why I react a certain way to people’s words, actions and life.  I listen to people’s words and pay attention to their actions in hopes of understanding them better and ultimately giving me valuable information in moving forward in this life.

I work really hard to love and find compassion for every person, despite beliefs, actions or words.  The contrary serves no good purpose.

In the words of Prince himself…

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.” – Prince

And if I could add another short sentence to this powerful quote it would be the following…

“And to make sure no one goes through it…alone.”

I am aware

Lately I have found myself “aware” of a few things and it warrants a blog.

I am aware in 3 weeks, it will have been 4 years.  I have been seeing pictures popping in the Timehop app on my phone.  They are a very real reminder of how far I have come in 4 years.  I remember the ignorance of feeling and knowing I had everything I had ever wanted in life and how weeks later it would all fall apart.  I have vivid flashbacks to the weeks prior to the one year anniversary and how completely broken I felt and how the second anniversary I felt an even sharper pain in my heart.  I am aware I show as a woman of strength, but in reality these next 3 weeks are my weakest, so please be kind.

I am aware I am getting married to Kelby in the same month I lost Jay.  A coincidence but in hindsight there is significance.  Instead of May being a month of memories that broke me, now they will be filled with memories that built me back up.  Unknowingly, I am switching my outlook to the month of May.  We will always grieve the loss of Jay, but now we can also celebrate a new chapter in this amazing life.

I am aware in the last few months I have been super emotional for no real reason.  When my emotions lack reason, it is easy to question whether I am ready or not.  I can assure you I am ready.  I had a widow friend tell me early on to expect unexplained emotions.  They are normal.  They are unexpected.  They cannot be controlled.  Grief and this journey have taught me one very valuable lesson, and that despite everything holding me back, I want to move forward.  I am ready.

I am aware my son says he has two dads.  He is not wrong.  In the last few months he started calling Kelby his daddy.  Aaron has always been a happy boy, but in the last few months there has been a calm and happiness that is more then I have ever seen in him.  Despite what life handed him early in life, he is happy and he has a daddy on this earth just like so many others around him.  He will always have 2 daddies.

A little bit of a debbie downer of a blog but I just wanted people to know, I am aware.