So yesterday I did not blog. I am surprised it took this long for me to not blog a day. Today I will write two. That is not the point of my blog now so let’s get to it.
I have a feeling this is going to be an emotional blog. This is your warning. This is going to be packed full of honest and probably raw emotion.
Today Aaron and I went to see Jay’s parents. This is never easy for a few reasons.
1) Jay is not with us. 2) Not much has changed in his parents house. Our wedding picture is still up as are the pictures we had done on the weekend Jay and I found out we were pregnant. 3) When we talk about Jay there is still such emotion.
Aaron and I will be going to visit Jay’s parents more often now because Jay’s dad is not doing well. I want Aaron to have as many memories as possible. I want to bring joy to their life and his final days.
In the 2 hours we were there, there was a shit storm of emotion. Take the ride with me.
We got there and I felt relief. We would get to see him again. We walk into their house and I am happy. The smile on his parents faces made me happy to know Aaron could put it there. I look at his dad and I was sad. Jay’s dad smile was somewhat temporary. I can see pain and exhaustion. I watch Aaron get the toys from the spare room and sit in his grandma’s rocking chair and I am impressed. Aaron has a way of bringing such joy to all those around him. i sit down in one of the chairs and I’m uncomfortable. Across from me on the wall is a picture of Aaron, his cousin Samantha and Jay, to the right of this picture is our wedding picture. I look up and run into another picture of Jay. I try to control my emotions and I find myself angry. I wonder what part makes it fair for Aaron and I to be there without Jay. I hear Aaron and his grandma laughing playing with toys and reading books and I am hopeful. Hopeful seeing Aaron could give her a few minute break from thinking of the sadness this week brought her. I look at Jay’s mom and I am jealous. She is being given time to prepare for her life change. She is being given a chance to say the things she has wanted to say. She is being given a chance to say good-bye. I look at her eyes and I am concerned. I cannot imagine the pain she lives each day watching the man she has spent a majority of her life with deteriorate and ultimately lose his battle with cancer.
It was a continuous cycle of these emotions and so many more. I felt like my body had been thrown around like a tornado.
When it came time for us to leave for the day I ended on a surprising emotion. I was thankful. I am thankful we were able to visit. I am thankful Aaron could see them and bring some relief. I am thankful for my parents health. I am thankful it was time to go home.
As we got ready to leave we said our good-byes. It felt different this time. As I heard his dad say good-bye it felt like a possible last good-bye. Tears started to form in my eyes and I knew I had to keep it together just a little longer. We got in the car and as we drove away I let the tears fall and the emotion out. Today was emotional.