I have had many people tell me I am strong. Others have said that I am brave. The words inspiring and amazing are even said. I am here to tell you I am none of those. I am here to tell you that I fight.
Back up the train because before anyone gets any wrong ideas I don’t literally fight people. I do box as part of my training with my wonderful trainer. But that is where it stops. I do know how to defend myself though as part of this training and that feels good. I once told my trainer that I wasn’t good at boxing. Her response was…oh girl…trust me…you do just fine…you have an amazing right hook. So there is that.
I have been meaning to write a blog on this subject for awhile but every time I tried I found myself in a fight I couldn’t win…that is to write what many need to know. I fight even now but I need to get it out so here it goes.
I fight every day. I would say that the only time I am not fighting is when I sleep but even that isn’t true. The dreams more like nightmares I have had recently prove that even in slumber, my mind is fighting.
The other day I sat at the bottom of my basement stairs. I had accomplished a lot in the day and I looked at what I have accomplished renovating a part of the house that used to give me flat out anxiety attacks. I have spent more time down there since the carpet was installed (which has been a little over a week) then I had for almost 2 years. I felt accomplished…happy even. And then I felt a fight coming. I was exhausted after doing so much in the day that the battle was lost and tears started to fall. I said “Damnit Jay…you should BE here.” I hear him tell me that it looks amazing. He is joking with me saying there is NO way you would have been OK with that big of a screen if I was still alive. I dry my tears sitting there all by myself and laugh knowing that he is right but then catch myself thinking…but I built it, I made it your dream basement…please come back. I catch all my thoughts taking me to a place I don’t like to go. I fight. I stand up looking at the beautiful basement. I smile and then walk up the stairs and shut the door. Battle won.
The fight that is less emotional but more focused is the ongoing one. Every day…all day I fight to understand people. If I ask people to understand me, I need to understand them. If I am going to live life I need to understand the things in my life. It is why I do many things in my life. I sought out a personal trainer. I knew I needed someone that could explain to me why I was doing an exercise and push me towards my goal. I found a general contractor that I trusted. I need someone I can have explain to me things in the house and tell me when other people need to get involved. I found someone to take care of the lawn and snow removal. Someday…instead of doing those things for me…he will teach me. I fight to really listen to what people are telling me. I listen for the things they don’t want to say. God knows I do it ALL the time…that is not saying things I don’t want to say. It gives me perspective. It helps me. I am constantly learning. And I have had many times that people have called me or visited me to talk. It shows me I am needed and that above anything is the most amazing feeling.
Another fight that I wanted to share was on my first day at my new job. It was a good day. Things were new. And then one word…a six letter word put me on a fight I haven’t had to fight in a very long time. “Single” At my new job, my status is not widow, it is single. A day of many changes consisting of my commute…parking…a new picture with a new badge…new responsibilities…new faces and one word took me down so fast I didn’t have time to think. I am a single parent, yes. But I am widow. I don’t want to be defined as being a widow but am I really single? So did I win the battle. Let’s just say I am still fighting it.
So you see…I am stronger than I was on May 9th, 2012. I am braver than I was on May 9th, 2012. I am inspired by those around me that continue to push me towards greatness and living life to the fullest. And lastly I am amazed that through it all I continue on…I fight.