I fight

I have had many people tell me I am strong.  Others have said that I am brave.  The words inspiring and amazing are even said.  I am here to tell you I am none of those.  I am here to tell you that I fight.

Back up the train because before anyone gets any wrong ideas I don’t literally fight people.  I do box as part of my training with my wonderful trainer.  But that is where it stops.  I do know how to defend myself though as part of this training and that feels good.  I once told my trainer that I wasn’t good at boxing.  Her response was…oh girl…trust me…you do just fine…you have an amazing right hook.  So there is that.

I have been meaning to write a blog on this subject for awhile but every time I tried I found myself in a fight I couldn’t win…that is to write what many need to know.  I fight even now but I need to get it out so here it goes.

I fight every day.  I would say that the only time I am not fighting is when I sleep but even that isn’t true.  The dreams more like nightmares I have had recently prove that even in slumber, my mind is fighting.

The other day I sat at the bottom of my basement stairs.  I had accomplished a lot in the day and I looked at what I have accomplished renovating a part of the house that used to give me flat out anxiety attacks.  I have spent more time down there since the carpet was installed (which has been a little over a week) then I had for almost 2 years.  I felt accomplished…happy even.  And then I felt a fight coming.  I was exhausted after doing so much in the day that the battle was lost and tears started to fall.  I said “Damnit Jay…you should BE here.”  I hear him tell me that it looks amazing.  He is joking with me saying there is NO way you would have been OK with that big of a screen if I was still alive.  I dry my tears sitting there all by myself and laugh knowing that he is right but then catch myself thinking…but I built it, I made it your dream basement…please come back.  I catch all my thoughts taking me to a place I don’t like to go.  I fight.  I stand up looking at the beautiful basement.  I smile and then walk up the stairs and shut the door.  Battle won.

The fight that is less emotional but more focused is the ongoing one.  Every day…all day I fight to understand people.  If I ask people to understand me, I need to understand them.  If I am going to live life I need to understand the things in my life.  It is why I do many things in my life.  I sought out a personal trainer.  I knew I needed someone that could explain to me why I was doing an exercise and push me towards my goal.  I found a general contractor that I trusted.  I need someone I can have explain to me things in the house and tell me when other people need to get involved.  I found someone to take care of the lawn and snow removal.  Someday…instead of doing those things for me…he will teach me.  I fight to really listen to what people are telling me.  I listen for the things they don’t want to say.  God knows I do it ALL the time…that is not saying things I don’t want to say.  It gives me perspective.  It helps me.  I am constantly learning.  And I have had many times that people have called me or visited me to talk.  It shows me I am needed and that above anything is the most amazing feeling.

Another fight that I wanted to share was on my first day at my new job.  It was a good day.  Things were new.  And then one word…a six letter word put me on a fight I haven’t had to fight in a very long time.  “Single”  At my new job, my status is not widow, it is single. A day of many changes consisting of my commute…parking…a new picture with a new badge…new responsibilities…new faces and one word took me down so fast I didn’t have time to think.  I am a single parent, yes.  But I am widow.  I don’t want to be defined as being a widow but am I really single?  So did I win the battle.  Let’s just say I am still fighting it.

So you see…I am stronger than I was on May 9th, 2012.  I am braver than I was on May 9th, 2012.  I am inspired by those around me that continue to push me towards greatness and living life to the fullest.  And lastly I am amazed that through it all I continue on…I fight.

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