Disclaimer: I wrote this blog in May of 2018. It is now August of 2018. I didn’t hit publish. If you are reading this now…I hit publish.
It is time…to stop fighting it. I stopped blogging. I stopped writing it. To be clear it wasn’t easy to stop writing and in many other formats I still continued but here, I stopped. A new chapter started in my life and in Aaron’s. I guess I thought to some degree no one would want to read what I had to write. And then tonight, through a tough time my amazing husband said to me…”stop fighting it.” Now he was referencing me not feeling 100% and my feeling and need to be a super woman of sorts and not listen to my body when it says “stop already.” Part of that was true but what I realized is although I am terrible at giving myself and my body the time it needs to rest, him telling me stop fighting brought on tears I haven’t had in a pretty long time. I stopped fighting it and I cried. Ugly cried. He thought I was fighting giving myself a break…but instead I was actually GIVING myself a break. The boys left the house and I continued to sit on the floor in full ugly cry mode. The more I cried, the better my stomach felt. The more I cried, the faster the headache I had went away.
So the benefit of having so many notebooks I have bought over the years is that when I am not within reach of my phone or a computer you can ultimately find a notebook and pen and begin to write. Through my tears, I started to write. The more I wrote the better I felt. Stomach almost back to normal…headache almost gone the writing continued. And damn it felt good. Like REAL good.
Early on after Jay died I cried every day. Most days it was just once a day but more times then I would like to admit it was more like 2 or 3 times a day. I look back now and I use the analogy of a sinking ship taking on water. It will sink if the water overflows so it is key to get the water out. Such are tears in our bodies. If we keep them in for too long, we sink. Nobody wants to be on a sinking ship let alone BE a sinking ship.
So…it is time to write again. It is time…to figure it all out and hopefully in the process help others.
It. Is. Time.