Love after loss


A topic someone wanted me to talk about was dating after losing Jay.  It’s a touchy subject but one I’m not afraid to tackle and explain to you.

When I married Jay the vow was “till death do us part.”  I imagined that part happening way into retirement.  And not for atleast 50 more years.  I expected Jay to be my last first kiss.  I expected Jay to be the only man I would love the rest of my life.

Early into my grief I swore up and down I would never date again.  My heart felt too broken.  No one would ever want to date me let alone fall in love with me.  No person would ever replace Jay.

With some more time, my heart was put back together.  I did not want to be alone.  I wanted to find a person to date and to eventually fall in love with.  The part that will always be true and part of my life is no one will ever replace Jay.  And that is an important piece because it is something the person in our life has to understand and be OK with.

Dating is different nowadays.  Here are a few things that have changed…

1) There are websites fully dedicated to helping you find your perfect match.  I did not find Jay on a website.  I did however find my now serious boyfriend there.

2) I’ve had a child since dating Jay.  Any woman who has had a child knows exactly what I am talking about.  Your body changes.  Enough said.

3) I have learned a lot about myself and who I want in my…our life.  Not that I wasn’t picky before but the criteria now was a lot different.

4) When dating now, they are not just dating me.  You are dating my life.  Many parts of my life need to be discussed in candid conversation without rolling of eyes, sighs or looks of pity.

Dating is interesting post loss.  I say the word “is” not in a way of I don’t expect my current relationship to stay the course.  I say “is” because I learned the hard way that you should never stop dating your partner in life.  Actually the other night when hanging out with my boyfriend I looked at him and told him to never stop dating me.  I don’t expect to ever stop dating him.

Love after loss is an adventure.  I love more fiercely.  I am more compassionate.  I am more understanding.  Most importantly…I want to love after loss.

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