Our journey in having Aaron was just over 3 years.
It started with excitement. We were finally going to try to bring life into this world. I am sure it will be quick…I had waited for this for a long time and it was go time. What should the theme of the room be?
Slowly there was frustration. Why is this not happening? What is wrong with me, with my body? What should we try next. What haven’t we tried. Why can’t a search on WebMD just make this happen.
Frustration turned into anger. At this point, everyone around me was getting pregnant. Not literally but it sure felt that way. And yes there was anger towards those people but that paled in comparison to the anger I had turned inward on myself. “Come on Alyssa…what the hell is wrong with you?”
Doubt followed anger which then led to massive self blame. The doubt was whether this was really part of the plan for us. Were we meant to be parents? Maybe we were just kidding ourselves. And self blame and even shame started when I was convinced I was the problem. I was the dysfunctional part of this journey. And I clearly was not trying hard enough or was doing something every which way wrong.
After blame came envy. Envy is ugly. Very ugly.
All of these things took a hit on our marriage and on us as individuals.
We literally did one last thing and if this didn’t work then maybe this wasn’t in the cards and we had discussed adoption.
The next month we found out we were pregnant.
I took the test on Valentine’s Day. I walked out of the bathroom, sat next to Jay and said my Valentine’s Day gift to you is that you are going to be a dad. His reaction (he tackled me) was one that I will never forget. He would tell me later, I was going to have to really get creative to give him anything close to how amazing that gift was on that day. I wasn’t given many more opportunities to try.
I had been pregnant before so this wasn’t a guarantee but I had a good feeling about this time. Finally we were back at excitement.
Then fear. Part of the fear I have to this day. But at the time it was the fear that I would do something wrong that would cause us to not be pregnant anymore. Having a miscarriage was the trigger of that fear. The fear that if this did not work I wasn’t sure how much more I could take…how much more Jay could take…how much more our marriage WOULD take. That fear was real and as much as I pushed it aside it was strong and was not easy to let go of.
After 9 months of waiting that felt like a life time and was more like over 3 years, Aaron arrived. To date it is one of the best days in my life.