Posted Wednesday January 30, 2013
Pity is a four letter word that no matter where it comes from is a bad deal. It is easy as a widow to feel pity. Most would probably think that pity is really just angering when you feel someone feeling it for you. That is absolutely not the case. I have many times felt pity on myself. Pity has many forms and all are angering and debilitating.
Pity on myself
Wow, I could spend a whole day talking about the pity I feel on myself.
Anytime I see a couple holding hands or even talking as they stroll through Target…pity.
More times than I thought possible, when something breaks in the house and I have no idea how to fix it or if it is going to be bad for the house and how much it is going to cost me…pity.
At daycare when I see a daddy drop off or pick up his child…pity.
And the one that sneaks up on me and takes me down more than I would like to admit is when I’m alone at night. Aaron is finally resting for the night…I haven’t had an opportunity until this point to pick up the house a bit…or do a few chores that I have been meaning to do but just don’t have time. You would think in this moment I would say “Yippee!…time to do those things and be productive.” In all honesty, most times, I just curl up on the couch, shed a few tears and then try to force myself to sleep because that is the more productive thing to do. Saying these things is not meant for anyone to read and say “Oh Alyssa…please don’t feel that way…we are so sorry you feel that way…”. That just angers me. I write this so I can see what I write it down and know it is OK and can express to people who have not gone through this and feel what I feel every day.
Pity from others
I can control, for the most part, my pity on myself but the pity I feel and see from others is something I obviously cannot control. I cannot control it in regards to the action or words said but I can control my reaction and my perception.
Logically in my mind I know people do not mean harm in anyway but emotionally I question every action and word said. I think a widow can give you atleast one example of something said to them that they just could not believe was said. The one comment that rings in my ears was when a co-worker approached me 2 weeks after Jay’s death and said “Alyssa…what happened?…I heard he was alive when he left Wells Fargo”. I really wish I had a picture of my face when the person said that to me. I remember looking at the person and saying..”Ya know…I really gotta get going” and I left the situation. My reaction early on was “How can someone be SO stupid to say that to me??” A better reaction and the one I stick with when that comment comes to my mind now is…”It doesn’t matter, he is gone and that plain sucks.”
I have found that I have to keep my perception of things in check almost daily. And I have to keep a cup of perspective very close by. One could say that is the survival kit of someone dealing with such a significant loss. Someone once told me that “your perception is your reality”. That is so true. I truly believe that perspective can snap your perception back to the true reality pretty fast if you allow it. I say “allow” because there are days I’ve had friends ask if I’m OK and if I need to talk about what is bothering me. I have looked at them and I have said, “No worries, I have perspective trust me…I see it…but I have put my blinders on because I don’t want to deal with it right now.” I’ve received a “HAHA” look from friends when I’ve said that and I’ve also gotten the look of “Are you out of your mind???” Both reactions make me laugh because it is kind of funny that I choose not to deal with things at times. I knowingly deny dealing with it. And as for being out of my mind, well I’ve felt that way since May 9th at noon when I got the phone call that changed our lives so that comment doesn’t really bother me anymore.
At the beginning I mention that pity is not good no matter what form it is in or where it comes from. Going through my situation I believe that down to my core. I also know not many know what I feel….how I feel and what I go through each and every day trying to make it through our life without Jay in his physical form. He is with us always and that gets me through the day. I know he wants us to move forward. For those who wonder why I say “forward”, that is because I will never “move on”. If you stop and think, there is big difference between moving on and moving forward. That is a whole blog entry on its own.
My advice for those out there that wonder what they can do I say this…don’t pity those of us going through such loss…instead love us and support us. Those people in my life that do this exact thing know it because I love and support them as well.