What’s up God?
I have accomplished alot already today with running errands this morning and packing up the kitchen that I figured why not tackle the topic of God. So after much anticipation…here goes nothing.
As a child I remember going to church with my parents and brother, sitting in the pew scribbling notes to my mom on the bulletin, having mom sit between my brother and I so we would pay attention and ultimately being comforted by the message in the sermons given. When I moved to the Des Moines area, I tried but was unable to find a church where I felt that I fit in and after Jay and I got married it just didn’t seem important to find one.
May 9th happens. I then find myself asking God…”Why ME?”…more importantly “Why Aaron??”. I think the conversation went a little something like this…
“What did I DO to deserve this pain?…I am a good person….Jay was a good person…Aaron is so innocent…What in the hell did Aaron and I do to deserve loosing this wonderful man from our lives? What plan is soo damn important that it required taking a person that was loved by so many and is needed so much on this earth?”
After the questions and pleading were done, anger set in. There was anger towards Jay for leaving but even more towards the person who took him away from me.
Many would tell me I coudn’t be mad at God. There is a plan and it isn’t His fault. Many argued with me as I cried and yelled at Him. My reaction to people was “I can be mad at whoever I want. Especially God. I don’t like his plan…his plan SUCKS!”
There were many times I would sit alone and remember the phrase “If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” I wanted…I still want to believe that. But then I sit and think back to when I found out my mom had cancer…then 2 days after we got the great news she was cancer free and had a clean bill of health we found out Jay’s mom had cancer. Jay’s mom becomes cancer free and Jay and I had begun trying to get pregnant. It was a 3 year struggle to get pregnant. In there somewhere Jay and I go for a mini-vaca to Omaha one weekend and not even 2 hours after we got there I am in the Creighton University Hospital ER with a broken ankle needing surgery. So silly me, I thought maybe …just maybe…I was due for a break from overcoming obstacles. I had a beautiful son…a wonderful husband and I was finally back to work after being on maternity leave…life was finally on the right path. Jay and I were happy, and other than being really sleepy with a newborn we were obstacle free. Now I know the truth was…”we” were…but “I” was not.
It wasn’t until Christmas this past year that I finally went to church. I went with a dear friend to the Christmas cantata. Aaron was fussy so she took him out to walk around in the hallway as I sat and listened to the cantata. I used to love the Christmas cantata when I was a child. Music has always calmed me and when I was a child my dad was in the the adult choir. It was the most peaceful 30 minutes I had had in a very long time. Tears ran down my face…and a certain peace filled my heart.
Truth be told, I still get angry at God. It just isn’t as strong of an anger as it was initially. I don’t understand his plan but I can now recognize it exists. My advice to those that are going through a significant loss is to be angry. That is your right. But from my experience I woudn’t stay angry long. It serves a purpose for awhile but ultimately it can define you and that is not healthy. For those with people struggling with this topic, I encourage you to be patient. We all get back to where we need to be…it’s part of His plan.