Let me set the scene:
I am taking a relaxing bath. Epsom salt and essential oils and warm water are always good for my soul. The boys are downstairs doing their thing so I can relax.
Are you relaxed? Because I was. Until…
About 20 minutes in (a pretty long bath…don’t judge me lol) I hear Aaron yell. He specifically asking for me. I first start to get angry because I am relaxing and we all know this so why is he not asking his dad. Then he has this tone about him yells my name again and says “Something is wrong mommy! Come down!”
Side note: if you ever want to get me out of bed, shower, bath or any other place that is relaxing to me…do what he just did…it works.
I jump out of the bath, towel around my body I run down the stairs because in my mind there is panic. He is yelling for me…he isn’t asking for dad and he says something is wrong.
In my mind, I INSTANTLY went to a place where Kelby has been hurt…I thought maybe he had collapsed…where is my phone….what is the phone number again to call…this isn’t happening…WTH happened!?! It had to be something BAD.
I get down to the first floor and I look at him like “What! What is wrong!?!?!”
Aaron: Mommy…the washer is flashing 44…there is something wrong!!!!
I fix the clothes washer and my energy changes. I am no longer relaxed, in fact I can see everything I SHOULD be doing instead of relaxing in the tub. Like EVERYTHING. Laundry…dishes…picking up toys.
My fear turns to anxiety and then straight to anger. No detour taking the long way around or even a gingerly stroll to anger…I drove there…FAST. As I come down from the anger I see my husband wondering what the hell just happened and a little boy who is glad the washer isn’t flashing 44 anymore and wants to watch his tv.
We find the remote, turn off the tv and I sit Aaron down. I explain that unless someone is hurt, the house is on fire or someone is trying to take him to not yell that like. I explain that I thought daddy or he was hurt and that scared me beyond words. We come to an understanding and then I sit there. In my towel and it hits me.
Tears start to roll out of my eyes. And I hear myself say in my head, “I cannot lose them.” Damn.
I didn’t realize until after but Kelby was standing by listening to my whole conversation and afterwards I was actually glad.
Why? Because my behavior in that moment was embarrassing. And to explain out loud what I felt twice probably wouldn’t have happened. And so I walked up to him. He put his arms around me and I cried.
Triggers are not easy. They stink actually. They sometimes come out of nowhere.
And then sometimes there are triggers like this that are hard, break me and then they make me a better version of myself.