Valentine’s day…the under-estimated holiday

Posted Sunday January 27, 2013

Last night my idea for my blog was “Everything I should not say or feel”.  As you can imagine that has ALOT of anger behind it. 

Luckily, a car ride, iced tea from starbucks and hour and a half drive around the metro,  cooler heads prevail. 

My topic today is “Valentine’s Day…the under-estimated holiday”.

So first things first, how does a widow survive the big holiday Valentine’s day?  I am going to take a stab at it with my “14 days of Valentine’s day”.  If it proves therapeutic I may have myself a new tradition.  What I am going to do is from February 1st to February 14th, I am going to give 0ut 14 gifts each day.  I figure this way I can focus on others and not myself.  I haven’t decided what actual Valentine’s day will hold for me but maybe I will go out somewhere with Aaron.  Everyone always (or atleast it feels that way) thinks that the “hard” holidays are Thanksgiving and Christmas.  So far that theory to me is completely bogus. 

My memories of Valentine’s Day are so much better than any Thanksgiving or Christmas.  It took awhile but I finally had Jay trained that I like white roses and that it was OK to get them for me on Valentine’s Day.  White roses were our wedding flower.  There were a few years that he got me red and his reasoning was…”It just doesn’t seem right to give a girl anything but red roses on Valentine’s day”.  He was such a planner.  There are a couple years we got reservations to a restaurant for Valentine’s day  Honestly, I didn’t need any of it.  I just wanted Jay.  All I needed was a hug and a kiss and that was enough, whether he knew or believed it.  It was the week before Valentine’s day in 2004 that Jay proposed to me.  He spelled “Alyssa Marie Taber” down the right side of the poem.  He planned everything and was so passionate in what and how he felt about people. 

I’m not going to lie…for some reason the past two nights have been difficult.  For some reason seeing hearts all around reminds me how good of a heart Jay had and yet that was the one organ that failed him in the end.  It is a reminder that he is not here.  He’s not here to hug me.  To kiss me.  I sit here at night and want him here.  I want him here to obsess about how Aaron is doing in the milestone’s of a 15 month year old…to gripe to me about what I worry about…to teach me something I did not know.  My heart is broken.  I want it healed.  If I could have one thing for Valentine’s day, it would be a healed heart or atleast the light showing me that it is possible.  I wish I knew what that light looked like. 

I will get through this holiday just like I did the others and I hope everyone hugs and kisses their loved ones a little bit longer this year.  I know I wish I could.

3 Replies to “Valentine’s day…the under-estimated holiday”

  1. Alyssa, if you will pardon the unintentional pun, my heart goes out to you. I am sorry you are hurting and that 2/14 is a (yet another) reminder of how much you miss him. You’re a strong person but it’s OK to not always demonstrate strength. It’s okay to have needs and to want so badly for things to be as they were. I wish you well and for your heart to heal but it will take time as you know only so well. Hugs to you and Aaron.

  2. I am dreading Valentine’s Day. Warren passed away at 4:48am February 15th. He never even got to eat the heart-shaped brownie Ariana and I made him for Valentine’s Day the night before he passed away because by then his heart had started to fail him and he was too tired to do more than go to bed. Little did I know what was really happening inside his body. Like Jay, he had a heart of gold and I have often found it ironic and even cruel at times that it was his heart that failed him, too. Friends and family keep asking how they can help me get through Feb 14 and 15 and I honestly don’t know how anyone can help, or how to get through either of those days. Like you, I have moments of amazement at how far I’ve come and how much my friends and family have helped, but there are times when I see a couple, or a dad and his daughter, or I see all the Valentine’s Day cards for husbands and I just want to crawl under my covers with some wine and sleeping pills and cry myself to an alcohol-indused sleep and wake up on the other side of both those days. Thank you for putting into words and sharing some of the very feelings I feel everyday, some of the struggles and accomplishments I have in common with you. I am so glad to have met you on this unique journey.

  3. I look forward to hearing about your “14 days of Valentine’s day”… it is a very intriguing idea!

    I have no way of imagining what that day is going to hold for you. So many people say “it is just another day,” but they just don’t understand. I don’t understand. And I know that. But I’m thankful because now I realize just how much I can take for granted without realizing it.

    So, for you (well, for me, too!), it is going to be a day filled with lingering hugs and kisses. Just to make sure everyone I love knows just how much they mean to me.

    (—– HUG —–) Love you, cuz!

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