Posted Sunday January 27, 2013
Last night my idea for my blog was “Everything I should not say or feel”. As you can imagine that has ALOT of anger behind it.
Luckily, a car ride, iced tea from starbucks and hour and a half drive around the metro, cooler heads prevail.
My topic today is “Valentine’s Day…the under-estimated holiday”.
So first things first, how does a widow survive the big holiday Valentine’s day? I am going to take a stab at it with my “14 days of Valentine’s day”. If it proves therapeutic I may have myself a new tradition. What I am going to do is from February 1st to February 14th, I am going to give 0ut 14 gifts each day. I figure this way I can focus on others and not myself. I haven’t decided what actual Valentine’s day will hold for me but maybe I will go out somewhere with Aaron. Everyone always (or atleast it feels that way) thinks that the “hard” holidays are Thanksgiving and Christmas. So far that theory to me is completely bogus.
My memories of Valentine’s Day are so much better than any Thanksgiving or Christmas. It took awhile but I finally had Jay trained that I like white roses and that it was OK to get them for me on Valentine’s Day. White roses were our wedding flower. There were a few years that he got me red and his reasoning was…”It just doesn’t seem right to give a girl anything but red roses on Valentine’s day”. He was such a planner. There are a couple years we got reservations to a restaurant for Valentine’s day Honestly, I didn’t need any of it. I just wanted Jay. All I needed was a hug and a kiss and that was enough, whether he knew or believed it. It was the week before Valentine’s day in 2004 that Jay proposed to me. He spelled “Alyssa Marie Taber” down the right side of the poem. He planned everything and was so passionate in what and how he felt about people.
I’m not going to lie…for some reason the past two nights have been difficult. For some reason seeing hearts all around reminds me how good of a heart Jay had and yet that was the one organ that failed him in the end. It is a reminder that he is not here. He’s not here to hug me. To kiss me. I sit here at night and want him here. I want him here to obsess about how Aaron is doing in the milestone’s of a 15 month year old…to gripe to me about what I worry about…to teach me something I did not know. My heart is broken. I want it healed. If I could have one thing for Valentine’s day, it would be a healed heart or atleast the light showing me that it is possible. I wish I knew what that light looked like.
I will get through this holiday just like I did the others and I hope everyone hugs and kisses their loved ones a little bit longer this year. I know I wish I could.