The phrase “Trust your Journey” has been in my line of sight more times than should be considered just coincidence. I see it. I read it. I understand it.
Early on after Jay died I heard the following phrases at nausea.
Things happen for a reason….Put your big girl pants on and deal with it…This is all part of His plan.
I knew the people saying them were not saying it to hurt me. My head knew it. But my heart cut deeper and deeper until I internally shut down. But before I shut down, I got angry. Very angry.
I mean what reason was so important that I had to become a widow at the age of 33 with a six-month old baby?? Tell me again what that reason may be. If it was so damn important it should be written in gold. Instead it was written in tears. The ones that fell from my eyes as I tried to figure out what the hell had just happened to me…to us.
Put your big girl pants on and deal with it. Oh lord. Meant as encouragement this one made me wonder what people thought I WAS doing. Did it look like I wasn’t dealing with it? Because I was. Every day. Every second of every day. In a moment of weakness I felt guilty for having, being told to put my big girl pants made me question when it was going to be enough. And with that, I would shut down. Showing my weak moments less and less, not because I didn’t have them, but because people obviously could not handle them.
This is all part of His plan. And what freaking plan was that? Clearly I was not advised of this plan and how it would impact me. And let’s not even worry about me, but let’s talk about his 6 month old BABY. How can a plan take a father from his child? A child that was not easy to conceive. Only through a last stitch effort was conceived and born. Tell me. I would LOVE to know. If I didn’t already question what I did wrong to have this happen to me, this comment made me even more angry at God.
Again I tell you, I know not one person who said this to me meant to hurt me. So if you are reading this and said this to me, I know and I understand. Still hearing these phrases cut my heart deeper with each time they were said. And the more I couldn’t work through it the more guilt I felt. What was my problem? Am I not a good enough Christian? Did I pray wrong? What did I do to bring this situation into my life? If I could figure this out, my heart would heal. If I could figure this out, I would shout it from the rooftops in hopes it would not happen to ANYONE ELSE.
It took my second therapist a good 3 months to crack me (after an initial therapist had 5 months with me and 2 months of group therapy). Oh and a PTSD diagnosis. I am paraphrasing but almost his exact words were this…
”Alyssa…do you really think God wanted you to be a widow and for Aaron to not know his biological father?”
With all the sarcasm Jay left on this earth my reply was… “Actually. Yes, Yes I do. Everyone says there is a reason…that there is something in HIS plan so…yeah…yeah I do.” In reality…a pediatric heart disease that went undiagnosed or treated was what caused his heart attack.
His response will forever be engrained in my brain. “Alyssa…the world and life is imperfect. HIS plan…is to give you everything you will need to move through life and what it hands you. THAT is his plan.” That is the single moment that healed my relationship with God.
I was so focused on life being a destination. Life being about getting the degree, the job, the marriage and the children. I did not see life as a journey. That was my first of many misunderstandings about this life we live.
Life cannot be trusted. Life cannot be guaranteed.
If you live in the mindset that you are guaranteed tomorrow you will be disappointed. Life is a journey. The moment I realized this…the comments people made no longer had the impact they used to have on me. The more that set in the more I learned to live life as a journey. The more I did this, the more life surprised me. The more I feel in love with life. It isn’t always easy but in that I have learned to trust the journey…wherever it takes me.