Posted Tuesday January 22nd, 2013

Tomorrow I am faced with another milestone.  Aaron turns 15 months old.

My first wish every morning and my last wish every night is that Jay was here to see how much Aaron has grown.  To see it when Aaron says a new word…gives a new facial expression or reaches a new milestone.  I have to remind myself every morning and every night that he is here, he is watching just not in the way I wish he was.  When I truly have perspective on any given day I know in my heart that Jay is actually with Aaron more then I am.  Jay is with Aaron always, watching over him and making sure he is always OK.  Although I wish him back every minute of every day, how lucky is Aaron?  How lucky am I to have an angel that is always there watching over us.  I know Jay is with me when I need him.  I believe with all my heart that is why I was able to speak at his funeral.  Also why I was able to speak in front of a little over 100 financial planners from Principal, between 80-90 employees from the Iowa Donor Network, around 100 people at a fundraiser for Project Panda (GDMLI project for Amanda the Panda) and document in a blog to tell our story.  As crazy as it sounds, speaking and writing…it heals me and that is enough motivation to keep me going.

A poem I wrote on new Years Eve

Missing you

I miss you
Three words say it all
But when words fail me
It’s you I want to call

But you’re not here
To hold me close
Say it’ll be OK
We all have highs and lows

My heart hurts
I want to stay strong
I know you are gone
But that’s not where you belong

I love you
I live with fear
I miss you
I wish you were here

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