The status change

Posted Wednesday January 23, 2013

So here is is day 3 since the official start of my blog and never did I think I would still have a topic to talk about. I figured after the first day I would either have written it all or just not be able to do it. To the contrary, on the way to work this morning I thought of a topic I want to blog about.

 The status Change
As a girl, you dream of the day you find the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You dream about the moment when you fall in love, the day he proposes, the day you get married and the moment you become parents. In this scenario you go from “single”, to “in a relationship”, to “engaged”, to “married” and finally to “married and sleep deprived”. 🙂 These are all happy status changes.

No one dreams of changing their status from “married” to “widow.”
The first time I saw this change was after I went back to work. I had to call HR and get our insurance modified. As a part of process Jay had to be taken off many things and when that was done my status changed to widow. I didn’t see it in the system right away.  It wasn’t until I logged into my account a week later that I saw the status change.  Why seeing it written had such an effect I’m not sure because for a little over a month at that time that is exactly what I was…a widow.  Seeing it in plain text took me down a dark road and I am very lucky to have friends and family that ran after me and brought me back. 

In this journey, I have decided to accept my status change for what it is.  It was not a “planned” status change by any stretch of the imagination but it happened.  Early on in the journey I felt defined by Jay’s death and my new status.  As I am further down the road, I have decided that is unacceptable.  I grieve every day and I will for the rest of my life in some way.  But in this journey…as Jay would want…I will not be defined by this grief or status change.  I will choose what defines me, that is something in this unpredictable world that I can control.

another poem I wrote recently

“The A word”

I am angry you left us
even though I know you did not

I am angry I’m alone
even though I know I’m not

I am angry our son will never know you
even though I know he will

I am angry that I am scared
at all that is His will

All this anger in my heart
is raw and sometimes hard to chart

I will do my best to make it through
because my dear I love you

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